I’ve been in an emotional slump for the past week or so, pondering about what significance our existence brings, how we as humans always live and die making mistakes that are so stupid, and that we always learn things the hard way. (Basically emo thinking, if you pardon my reference.)
It came to a point where I thought that if I was no longer in the equation of the infinity of life, I wouldn’t have to deal with the hollowness the insignificance brought in it. I had a knife in the room, but the thought of such a thing as suicide brought me to tears.
Here’s why.
It all started about 3-5 years ago, while my sister was still in high school, all the drama, friends, and the partying that came with it.
Well, she had this friend who had committed suicide, Derek. As her little brother, I had no idea who the guy was, yet the way my sister was so emotionally scarred by it that she couldn’t even listen to the songs about depression on the radio.
A year or two passed, then a string of suicides began to take place, first one, then a second one.
My sister also had another friend, named Zach. Zach had been over the house for a couple of times, and I’ve talked to him for brief occurrences. Well, these three suicides all had been three close friends of Zach.
Then, one day, I was sitting on the couch when I saw my sister begin to bawl in the kitchen, and she kept saying, “Zach hung himself!” crying as she tried to keep the phone held steady against her ear and my mom rushed to her side.
The sight of my sister breaking down over a simple friend confused me. It was normally only certain members of the family who would get so worked up about this, but to her, he was someone special.
And you know why he hung himself at that time?
Because nobody was able to respond to his text message.
A fucking text message, he would put that many people through that psychological torment he went through when he lost his friends over a text message.
Looking back that really pisses me off.
It so happens that a hunter was passing by at that precise moment he hung himself, and rescued him before any brain damage occurred.
He took a step through the door, and I guess something had brought him back.
Half a year later, we were at the local apple orchard with Zach and my sis( they got together, pity, insecurity, love, who knows.). As we went to leave, I asked my parents if I could drive home with my sister. They said ok.
The car was parked a good mile’s length away from the orchard, so Zach was willing to go to the car and drive it back to the orchard to pick us up. I wanted to get in a car really badly since I was really bored, and so I walked to the car with him.
I was never one to be social or talkative, so we just walked together to the car. I kept a far distance to the side of the main road, near the gravel, but Zach decided to go on ahead and kept walking on the white line to the side of the road.
We were almost to our destination when out of nowhere a truck flew by and blasted Zach’s arm with his side mirror, the car backed up and the driver swore at the kid and drove off. I was surprised the driver didn’t check to see if Zach’s arm was at least not broken. Thankfully it just bruised him badly and we managed to get to the car together.
After that, I’ve never seen that guy again, the relationship betweed Zach and my sis went on and off throughout the years, and then he vanished, moved somewhere, died in an accident, we don’t know.
But that memory still echoes through my mind.
While Zach was wavering on the road of life, something out of the blue hit him off his feet, and never stopped to question. That’s what always gets me about suicide, why would you jump in front of the next car if you’re nearly to your destination?
Even if one escapes one’s agony, the pain one may bring in life is miniscule than the pain in suicide.
So let me ask you this question.
What life occurrences or reason do you still hold onto life by?
